ISSUE 100
ask me how I write jokes and I don't ask him how he operates. The less I know, the better.
GC: Right. That's with a lot of things. Like Katy Perry.
JR: I'm trying like hell. She's very pretty but I don't get the music.
GC: You're not in a teenage dream?
JR: No, not in a teenage dream. (Laughs)
GC: What do you listen to?
JR: I hate to tell you: show tunes. You could sing it and I could tell you where it's from. Yeah, show tunes my whole life. My housekeeper goes, "Ew, here comes the score of Bells Are Ringing. Err!"
GC: Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? is in its second season and - JR: It's done. Thank god! But things never stop happening, that's the trouble.
GC: With you they don't, because you're a workaholic.
JR: Yeah, you're right. I just went down to Williamsburg, Va. with Judge Judy and I thought, "Where are the cameras?" It might be in the third season. Things are always happening.
GC: You recently joked about wishing you could replace Melissa with a gay son. How would the reality show be different if that were true?
JR: Well, it'd be a lot of different. We'd have a whole episode devoted to Judy Garland. There'd be nothing to discuss here.
GC: Maybe even a whole season. JR: A whole season on, "Was
GC: What does Joan know best? JR: Being a good grandma. (Cooper) will appreciate me after I'm dead a lot more. Right now I'm grandma, but later on when he's in college with his friends, he'll get how fun grandma was. She was... not cool - that's the wrong word - but she was crazy.
GC: Is anything off limits when the cameras are rolling?
JR: No. If you're going to do a reality show, you have to show your real reality, otherwise it's gonna be stupid. And they know, people are not that - well, I shouldn't say that, because look at the Kardashians. So people are not, usually, that stupid.
GC: Anyone you won't make fun of?
JR: No. If you're in the public eye, you're in the public eye. And you have no right to say "I'm off limits." Nonsense. Then you're in www.gaycalgary.com
▲ Joan Rivers, photo by Charles William Bush the wrong business. Go work at Kmart and no one will care and you can have the most private life of anyone in the world.
GC: In the '80s you became the permanent guest host on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Why don't we have a woman hosting a late-night talk show on a major network currently?
JR: Because there just isn't anyone good enough. Somebody that was great would be on. I don't know what that means, but that's what it means.
GC: How about Kathy Griffin or Chelsea Handler?
JR: Chelsea: I've never seen so I have nothing to say about her. Never watched the show but once and I thought, "This sucks." And I don't know if Kathy would want to do it, or even has the right equipment for it. It's a very different hat to put on.
GC: So you're saying it has nothing to do with gender but rather talent?
JR: It's the talent. That's why I think Jimmy Fallon is genius. He's got what Carson had. He's a fan, he lets his people be funny; he doesn't compete with his guests, and he just sits back and lets the guest do it. He's amazing.
GC: What about Ellen DeGeneres?
JR: Ellen is the most boring white woman in the world.
GC: But the most exciting lesbian in the world?
JR: Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. One of the funniest episodes of her sitcom was when she announced it by mistake over the microphone.
GC: When I saw your 2010 documentary, A Piece of Work, I was really surprised by how much of a softie you can be.
JR: Everybody is. You show so many different things on stage. My act is one kind of talk. In real life, I can be something else. We're all so different in different ways.
GC: So what's Joan like off- camera?
JR: I like to cry a lot.
GC: What makes you cry?
JR: What doesn't? Christmas carols make me cry.
JR: If Babs is available. She was an amazing kisser! We still both
GayCalgary Magazine #100, February 2012