St Mary the Blessed Virgin Parish Magazine June 2026
An 'English' Marriage (Answers)
A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl. "She introduces herself as Phenicia.
"Hi Phen" he says. "I'll alphabet you've never been here before."
"Of cursive I have,” she replies. “I come here all the time. “For me, it's parse for the course."
The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's letter- perfect charm.
"Here's a cute joke," he states declarative-ly. "Up at the North Pole St. Nicholas is the main Clause. His wife is a relative Clause. His children are the dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause. Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all well-noun Clauses.”
Then he lays on some more dashes of humour: “Have you heard about the fellow that had half his colon removed? He walked around with a semi-colon." "Are you prepositioning me?" said the vowelly girl.
"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come to my place for a co-ordinating conjunc- tion?"
"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're such a boldfaced charac- ter!" replies the vowelly girl. "Do I have to spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? I'm not your type so get off my case!"
Despite his past perfect, he is, at present tense.
"Puh-leeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects, "As my Grammar and other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent your um- lautish behaviour. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nomina- tive absolutely decline to conjugate with you for sure!"
"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think you're in a rather subjunctive mood about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life to you.” So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."
"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.
"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say, ‘Metaphors be with you!' I would never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative that you un- derstand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend infinitive togeth- er."
"That's quite a complement,” she blushes — and gives him appositive response.
At the ceremony they exchange wedding vowels about the compound sub- ject of marriage. Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually one of the longest and most complex sentences...a run-on sentence, actually...one that we all 34