ST Mary the Blessed Parish Magazine July/August 2026
How NOT to Give a Pill to the Cat
I. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if you're holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to its cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from your bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4.Take new pill from foil-wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws firmly with left hand. Force cat's jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call your partner.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between your knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get your partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand whilst forcing wooden ruler into its mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil-wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep broken Doulton figurines from hearth and put to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get your partner to lie on cat with its head just visible from below their armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take the taste away. Apply a plaster to partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down cat's neck with elastic band. II. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put the door back on its hinges. Apply cold compress to your cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat 13. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws tightly with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garden shed to put on. Force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of meat. Hold cat's head vertically and pour half a pint of water