An ode to femininity.
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Lainty
What are TLcing.
'Dainty' is a small ode to my femininity and the way I have navigated it through the years, from being a little girl who hated pink, to a young woman who does not. Girlhood has always been the most reliable thing in my life and I have aways been able to find solace within it. It is an experience that many are lucky to experience and I truly cherish the feminine figures within my life. In this current confusing period of my life, the idea of a divine presence has become somewhat prominent and I find myself wondering what more could be out there for a twenty-two year old girl.
The truth
Everything must experience Don't give up.
A Shead of my d of my Sie
A glance into the world that surrounds me
A reminder of my innocence
And so am I.
Syconiam
In my dreams i dance with Mother Mary
Her beautiful hair wraps around my wrists Cutting my circulation.
My veins tangle amongst themselves
And try desperately to mimic the freedom of her tresses.
She keeps me restrained until I feel like I'm dying.
The juice as your blood, We eat figs with our bare hands like animals.
And i consume every last piece of you so disgustingly, Just like you have done with I.
We verge on desparation for eachother.
You indulged so greedily when you got to my heart.
I have cried one hundred and forty five tears
One for every day I have known you.
A glass half full.
You drink my sorrow in one sip, Salt lingering on your lips you simply ask for another glass.
And The dress you were once so fond of is now stained with our blood, sweat and tears. I have kept it in a glass box ever since- An exhibition for my eyes only. Preserved for my own secret religion. I light candles around your display Careful not to scorch your remains And I pray to you every night.
A BOBO
Being on my period is the closest I'll ever get to God. Although, I think I'd take carrying a wooden cross with thorns on my head than shedding my uterus for seven days a month until I'm 50. I reckon many women would choose the same. I think that in many ways, women are a physical counterpart for God- creators and sinners. Beautiful, divine beings.
My relationship with spirituality is one that confuses me terribly. It's like discovering my sexuality all over again, calling myself something new every week. Only this time, I'm not sure I'll find the conclusion I'm looking for. Maybe the Big Man Upstairs could guide me.
Since my boyfriend is Catholic, I've found myself feeling closer to a divine presence, looking for signs in everything, trying to accept that there may be a God up there that allows us to endure the pain of ovulation each month. They say that God works in mysterious ways- this might bed the most peculiar of his choices.
I do overall find it difficult to accept that there is a God with such horror and pain in the world. War, famine, natural disasters, and everything else makes it simply impossible for me to accept that everything happens for a reason, despite this being a phrase that I use at least once a week.
I once thought maybe manifestation could've been a good course of action, until it got confused with delusion inside my maze of a brain, making it perhaps one of the worst forms of spiritual practice. I don't particularly agree that we should simply be sitting around asking the universe for the things we desire.
I think that my spiritual journey will never completely reach the destination I desire but I think I have made peace with it. If there is something, or someone, taking care of things from above, I only ask that they are kind.
I sit side by side with my younger self, Unsure on whether she gazes upon me with admiration or dread.
I think my mother feels the same sometimes.
I am taller than both of them now.
We watch the leaves on the plants go from green to brown, While the melon in my fridge starts to rot.
Red, flesh-like clots beg to be thrown out But it was the last thing we bought together.
Leaves coat the floor, Hiding the shards of my heart that got scattered so carelessly. We search for them together and sew them back onto my sleeve. You told me this was your favourite jumper.
The shooting star I saw last night plagued me with the thought of what could've been. What a waste!
I could've wished for anything.
You're consuming me from the inside, Yet she has no idea who you are.
The letters I wrote to you sit sealed, Unsent and untruthful.
She uses them to make origami.
Now the star sits broken in my garden. I wonder if I would be allowed to try again?
Seven years old with grazed knees, She runs over and puts it into her pocket.
I know that deep down she understands the significance.
We walk together into the house we're both so familiar with, Her more comfortable that I.
I think if we spent more time together she would see that we're not so different.
I looked out of my window last night and saw a beauty I had never seen before. There was a gentle breeze drying my clothes and I could hear the turning of a page. The falling of a feaf. The sun created rainbows on my ceiling- a portal into the better self. God is opening his arms and letting me smell the flowers for the first time. If I think too hard, I can't feel pity for myself anymore.
Clothes lie all over my floor, covering the remains of who I once was. I try to avoid picking them up to keep this hidden. It would be unfair to bring her out now. She has been laid to rest.
I cannot sleep tonight because I am finally conscious. I am excited to drink a coffee in the morning and to read the little information plaques they have next to a piece of art in a gallery. I am excited to wear the t-shirt I know you like.
I have been waiting for myself all summer and she has finally bloomed. I listen to your favourite songs and wonder if you do so at the same time. We are divinely intertwined. Look me in my third eye and you could see it. too.
Dissapointment is a sensation I have become closely acquainted with. We are practically lovers. I have created a library of self-help books in the corner of my room. I have read so many philosophy books lately that my fingers are turning black from the ink. My fingerprints are intertwining with the words on the pages and paving way for a new language that is all mine. I want to be great.
I find my life to be uncomfortable, divine and beautiful. I am the luckiest girl in the world. God's favourite. I'm just not sure if he knows this yet. I am an alien girl in an alein world and I'm not sure if I'll ever get the hang of this. Still, I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Son Academic Explanation re I have included a reflective selfalong with a general explanation following the creation of this zine. It felt fitting to include this within my work as this piece is rahter reflective itself and I felt it relevant to include the reasoning behind specific choices, etc.
chose to make this zine as a project for myself, as well aas the girls around me. I have been told by many that they find comfort in my writing and are able to relate to many of the things I choose to highlight. I like to write about things that I feel passionately about, and in this case, it is my relationship with femininity.
I have explored this through many different mediums and writing forms in order to allow a sort of insight into my thoughts and feelings. 'Dainty' was the last name of my first teacher at school who inspired me to write. I feel that the word also represents the style of this zine, enhancing the femininity explored. The use of pink was important to me for this project in particular; through exploring my femininity in different ages I grew to stop rejecting feminine tropes throughout my life and embrace the things I find joy in.
I chose to do a multi-media production as I felt that it best represented myself and my ideas. in doing so, I have made something that I am proud of and would love for other people to read and take something from. Although this may not have any sort of social or political relevance on the surface, I feel as though this is very personal to myself and others. This was an incredibly fun experience and has inspired me to maintain this practice throughout my creative endeavours. I truly hope that this is an enjoyable piece of work to sit with, as I put a lot of myself, as well as a lot of hard work overall into this project.
If I was to change anything I think I may have wished to make the zine longer as there is so much more I feel as though I could have added, however I resonated with the pages I have chosen greatly and do feel as though I could create an extended version for my own personal release.
This was a wonderful experience and I have been inspired to keep creating in my free time on the topics that I feel are important to share.
ACE OF WANDS
NEW BEGINNINGS. BIRTH. NEW IDEAS. CREATION.
7825 13 FEMALE. 01-02-23/6/03