THE TRUE STORY
Of My First Love
Written by Ryland James & Connor Seidel
Three purple hearts hit me hard Sitting on the couch in my parents’houseDidn’t think I’d let somebody inBut you came to me without a singledoubtWhy is it that every situation I’mFeeling things that I don’t recognize?Didn’t think I’d let somebody call me Their SunflowerDon’t make me the weak one here Show me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares youI’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me thatit’s part of a bigger planJust tell me that, what we havescares you‘Cause it scares me tooI know it’s only been four monthsBlue hours in the summer timeCouples walking ‘round holding handsLook away, pretend I’m doing just fineWhy is it that everything I read onlineMakes me feel worse? No it don’tapplyDidn’t think I’d need someone to callme Their sunflowerDon’t make me the weak one here, OhShow me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares youI’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me thatit’s part of a bigger planJust tell me that, what we havescares you, OhThey say distance makes you growBut every night aloneI just want you home I just want you acting like a fool for me,ohDon’t make me the weak one hereOhShow me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares youI’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me thatit’s part of a bigger planJust tell me that, what we havescares you‘Cause it scares me too
Three purple hearts hit me hard Sitting on the couch in my parents’houseDidn’t think I’d let somebody inBut you came to me without a singledoubtWhy is it that every situation I’mFeeling things that I don’t recognize?Didn’t think I’d let somebody call me Their SunflowerDon’t make me the weak one here Show me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares youI’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me thatit’s part of a bigger planJust tell me that, what we havescares you‘Cause it scares me tooI know it’s only been four monthsBlue hours in the summer timeCouples walking ‘round holding handsLook away, pretend I’m doing just fineWhy is it that everything I read onlineMakes me feel worse? No it don’tapplyDidn’t think I’d need someone to callme Their sunflowerDon’t make me the weak one here, OhShow me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares youI’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me thatit’s part of a bigger planJust tell me that, what we havescares you, OhThey say distance makes you growBut every night aloneI just want you home I just want you acting like a fool for me,ohDon’t make me the weak one hereOhShow me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares youI’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me thatit’s part of a bigger planJust tell me that, what we havescares you‘Cause it scares me too
Three purple hearts hit me hard Sitting on the couch in my parents’ houseDidn’t think I’d let somebody inBut you came to me without a single doubtWhy is it that every situation I’mFeeling things that I don’t recognize?Didn’t think I’d let somebody call me Their SunflowerDon’t make me the weak one here Show me that, that you won’t Leave me as quickly as you found meTell me that, what we have scares you I’d be lying if I wasn’t scared tooI’m begging you to prove to me that it’s part of abigger planJust tell me that, what we have scares you‘Cause it scares me tooI know it’s only been four monthsBlue hours in the summer timeCouples walking ‘round holding handsLook away, pretend I’m doing just fineWhy is it that everything I read onlineMakes me feel worse? No it don’t applyDidn’t think I’d need someone to call me Their sunflowerDon’t make me the weak one here, Oh(Chorus)They say distance makes you growBut every night aloneI just want you home I just want you acting like a fool for me, ohDon’t make me the weak one hereOh(Chorus)
“3 Purple Hearts” was written inNovember of 2020, a few monthsafter my boyfriend Ryan and Istarted doing long-distance at theend of August. The two of us hadbeen inseparable throughout thesummer. I’d met him at the end ofJune in Toronto, and there was animmediate knowing between usthat our relationship wassomething greater than ourselvesin some way. It felt like we’dknown each other for lifetimes. The world just felt like it fell intoplace around us wherever wewent. This was my first timefalling in love, so you can imaginehow high I was on the feeling of itall. There was joy, and euphoria,alongside fear and disbelief at theidea that something so goodcould just fall into my lap soeffortlessly. All these unknownswere hitting me at once. Onemoment I’d be on top of the worldat having found someone thatunderstood me like no other, butthen the next I’d be crashing intodoubt and worry at the idea thatit could all somehow slip awayfrom me in an instant.
On top of all this, I was still hiddenfrom the world in terms of mysexuality, and my own acceptanceof myself was in its infancy at thatpoint. I’d just been through a hellishyear or so in terms of myrelationship to myself and to thestructures I’d believed were truemy whole life. I was good at hidingthe internal turmoil from people inpublic, but when I was alone thedespair consumed me. My mentalstate was not in a good place by anymeans. I was relying heavily onexternal sources to fill the void Ifelt, and I was living a doubleemotional life. One side washigh-functioning and pleasant forthe world to see, but the otherwould crash and spiral when no onewas around to see.. It wasexhausting, and I thought it mightlast forever. I had no idea how tohandle what I was going through,
and the people closest to me reallydidn’t either. I learned a lot aboutmyself in that time, and I tappedinto a strength that can only comefrom facing adversity head-on withno way out. Ryan felt like a saving grace at theend of the tunnel. He felt likesomeone I could count on in a wayI’d never really experienced. Noone had ever shown me how to lovemyself for who I really was before.When we met I was still facing therepercussions from the “minicoming outs” I’d been having withcloser family members and friends.There was a lot of acceptance, butthere was just as much push-backand misunderstanding. I come froma very conservative, religiousbackground so it was expected, butit didn’t make it any easier to dealwith the feelings of rejection."
A couple months went by, and I wrote a lot of music. Ryan and I had our occasional visits, but it never felt like it was quite enough. I wanted him every day. I wanted what we had in the summer. I went for a writing trip to Montreal in the fall and worked with some incredible writers and producers, but the last day of the trip was when the real magic happened. I drove about an hour outside the city to Connor Seidel’s treehouse studio in the hilly ski country of Quebec. He gave me a tour and we talked and had coffee as one usually does in this industry when first meeting to write. It’s probably my favourite part of any session. I love chatting and getting to know other creatives, feeling their energy and deciding on what direction our song will go that day. We sat down in the control room looking out over the trees, and Connor asked me the question almost everyone asks an artist in session “What are you feeling today? Anything on your mind you want to write about?” Of course I started spilling my guts to him. I told him the story of my summer with Ryan, just as it happened. The joy, the struggles, the larger than life meaning to all of it. He listened so intently, and then began playing one of the prettiest guitar riffs I’d ever heard. He said “Let’s write the song just like that, let’s tell the story in your words.” So that’s what we did. Line by line, I explained the images and scenarios as they were in my memory. It was one of the rare times the lyrics honestly reflected the true story without trying too hard to fit in rhymes or “cool, modern” references. It was like we were letting the universe take the reins and guide us to the song rather than the other way ‘round.
- Ryland
"For thefirst time inmy life, likeI could justbe withoutthinking. Ifelt likethere washope for afresh start"
I drove about an hour outside the city to Connor Seidel’s treehouse studio in the hilly ski country of Quebec. He gave me a tour and we talked and had coffee as one usually does in this industry when first meeting to write. It’s probably my favourite part of any session. I love chatting and getting to know other creatives, feeling their energy and deciding on what direction our song will go that day. We sat down in the control room looking out over the trees, and Connor asked me the question almost everyone asks an artist in session “What are you feeling today? Anything on your mind you want to write about?” Of course I started spilling my guts to him. I told him the story of my summer with Ryan, just as it happened. The joy, the struggles, the larger than life meaning to all of it. He listened so intently, and then began playing one of the prettiest guitar riffs I’d ever heard. He said “Let’s write the song just like that, let’s tell the story in your words.” So that’s what we did. Line by line, I explained the images and scenarios as they were in my memory. It was one of the rare times the lyrics honestly reflected the true story without trying too hard to fit in rhymes or “cool, modern” references. It was like we were letting the universe take the reins and guide us to the song rather than the other way ‘round.
I felt free with Ryan for the first time in my life,like I could just be without thinking. I felt likethere was hope for a fresh start, that maybethere was an escape from the perpetualdarkness I’d faced for so long. I drove to thecity from my hometown two hours away everychance I got to see him. I imagined what ourlife would be like in the coming months, evenyears, the changing seasons, the adventureswe’d have together, all by each other’s sides. Itwas the definition of being on Cloud 9. Butthose ideals I held were shattered when Ryantold me he’d need to move home with hisfamily in Thunder Bay indefinitely due tocircumstances the pandemic had brought on. Itook it in stride. I wasn’t a stranger todisappointment or my internal dialogue havingto be altered, but the sinking feeling didn’ttake long to set in. I tried hard to distract myself from the painfultruth that we’d be apart in just a couple weeks.The intensity of my own feelings surprised me.I never considered myself a jealous or overlyemotional person, but all of my rationalityseemed to go out the window when love wasinvolved. I cried a lot the day he left. I tried toprepare myself for his absence, but nothingcould stop the tidal wave of heartbreak thatensued. For the first time in my life Iunderstood what that word meant. My heartliterally felt like it was forcibly splitting into amillion pieces, like it could just tear itself frommy chest at any given moment, the pressure ofa ton of bricks sitting on my ribcage.
So that’s what we did. Line by line, Iexplained the images and scenarios asthey were in my memory. It was one ofthe rare times the lyrics honestlyreflected the true story without tryingtoo hard to fit in rhymes or “cool,modern” references. It was like wewere letting the universe take the reinsand guide us to the song rather thanthe other way around.The video for the song was actuallyrecorded at the end of ourlong-distance journey. It was thebeautiful conclusion to the end of thatdifficult period we’d just facedtogether. In May of 2021, Ryan and I finallydecided to move in together, so hepacked his things and I made a roadtrip to Thunder Bay to bring him home.We filmed everything that week. Iwanted to create a video for the songthat reflected our relationship in thepurest way possible, and documentingthat specific trip and what itrepresented was the perfect way to dothat. I’d garnered the strength to comeout to the world just a few monthsprior, so it was our first time presentingourselves to the world as a couplevisually, solidifying the full circle “3Purple Hearts” had created for us.
I drove about an hour outside the cityto Connor Seidel’s treehouse studio inthe hilly ski country of Quebec. Hegave me a tour and we talked and hadcoffee as one usually does in thisindustry when first meeting to write.It’s probably my favourite part of anysession. I love chatting and getting toknow other creatives, feeling theirenergy and deciding on what directionour song will go that day. We sat down in the control roomlooking out over the trees, and Connorasked me the question almosteveryone asks an artist in session“What are you feeling today? Anythingon your mind you want to writeabout?” Of course I started spilling myguts to him. I told him the story of mysummer with Ryan, just as ithappened. The joy, the struggles, thelarger than life meaning to all of it. Helistened so intently, and then beganplaying one of the prettiest guitar riffsI’d ever heard. He said “Let’s write thesong just like that, let’s tell the story inyour words.”
"I went for a writing trip toMontreal in the fall andworked with some incrediblewriters and producers, but thelast day of the trip was whenthe real magic happened. "
"To this day, it remains themost special song and videoI’ve ever created. The journeywas intense and gruelling, butthe beauty that came from it isextraordinary, and I wouldn’ttake it back for anything."
- Ryland
www.rylandjamesmusic.com

Ryland James - 3 Purple Hearts

Ryland James - 3 Purple Hearts

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